Sleep Debt

According to Wikipedia, "Sleep debt  is the cumulative effect of not getting enough sleep." The debt could be accrued through having a slightly insufficient sleep per night over a period of time or one time complete sleep deprivation. One study showed that "people who slept 6 hours a night for 10 days had similar results to those who were completely sleep deprived for 1 day."

This has me wondering, if I sleep 1 hour less than what I feel I would need for during the weekdays and then sleep in drastically on the weekend, does that mean I've repaid my debt?

This reminds me of a Chinese story I read in elementary school. Once upon a time, there was a kid named Studystudystudy. His parents really wanted him to study a lot, so they hired a sleep nanny whose only job is to sleep as much as possible and that sleep time would be transferred to Studystudystudy so that he wouldn't have to waste time sleeping. A bunch of obstacles appeared and in the end, it didn't work out. So, Studystudystudy has to sleep for himself.

The last 2 nights I was experiencing obvious mental fatigue, caused by a combination of lack of sleep and mental stress. This is the reason sometimes I feel I might regret some of my stranger choices. For 2 hours every night I have to put a phone next to my ear and feel guilty, insecure, sad, and helpless because I don't know all the solutions to the difficult questions and if I reject this "communication" I'll just be labeled the cruel rejector of communication. As soon as I move a step in some direction I've seen, a million other reasons of why I've made no progress is presented. If I had made no change, if I just keep quiet, keep everything normal and easy to understand, I wouldn't have to deal with this.

Last night my boyfriend shared his secret of success: common sense. Such conventional wisdom! Such simple answer for the mystery of life! Such maturity! I think what he says is completely correct. I also think that what my parents say are completely right too. I am wrong in so many ways. I just somehow feel that it is not the answer I can accept as of now. I don't even want answers from other people. I just want to hear what they are saying.

Provocation

Yesterday I admitted to my dad that I have realized that I need provocation in my life to give me feelings and make me act. This is part of the reason why I'm moving to Detroit and changing my major to Mortuary Science. He said he already knew and I need to change.

My problem is I don't want to change. It feels great when I am provoked, in those conditions I feel like I can do anything, and I do do anything, very well. I exhibit an extraordinary amount of will power and enjoy a tremendous sense of accomplishment from my actions.

For example, once, I had to live with my grandparents for a month. While staying with them, I was taken to the idea of going for a morning jog in the local mountain everyday. My grandparents did not want me to return home well after 8am in the morning, so they forbid me from doing it. That was the provocation. So me, who can stay in bed until 10am easily everyday, woke up every dawn at 5am and went to work out at the mountain and came back home by 7am. My goal was to be able to run up the entire mountain before I leave, and it was achieved.

Another time, I decided I want to move to Chicago. The idea was tremendously exciting. So I went with no friends and no help. I found my own place to live and found a job really quickly once I got there and life was brimming with energy. It lasted for half a year, then I started staying home constantly and missing many opportunities that were offered to me and it went down hill drastically. In the end I moved back home.

Dad views these two instances as the same: action and wonderfulness as a result of outside stimulation that did last long. To me, the Chicago trip is, but the grandparent one is not. I did not accomplish what I wanted with moving to Chicago. However, even though I did not keep up going for a run at 5am every morning, that was not my plan to start with. My goal was to go to the mountain everyday for my month there and run all the way up one day, and I did achieve this goal. I had my slumps and doubts and I did not give up. It was a short term commitment, but it was finished successfully.

This makes me feel like I am capable of following my desires without it ruining me half way. I just don't know how to keep it up every time. Maybe I just need to break up my long term fantasies into short term goals that each can get me motivated. If it is short term, it will be easier to accomplish and less time to endure, just like the running example. I should find a stimulus for myself for 1 month at a time.

Dad also advises that I need to find something other than sudden bursts of arousal to keep myself going in life, because no one can provide those bursts constantly for me. As of now, I don't completely believe him. I think it is possible that I self provide these bursts. Is it really wrong and against all kinds of wisdom to live off of them? Couldn't it be just another way of life?

Regrets vs. No Regrets

It makes sense to go into business because:

1. This is the exciting era of globalization and businessmen and women are riding at the front of the tide.
2. It is a discipline that opens up the largest amount of opportunities in the future no matter what you do.
3. It is a means of providing the money for you to be responsible and feel respected in the long run.
4. This what I told everybody I wanted.

Now I'm screwed because it is no longer what I want. I'm going into Mortuary Science instead.