Yesterday I admitted to my dad that I have realized that I need provocation in my life to give me feelings and make me act. This is part of the reason why I'm moving to Detroit and changing my major to Mortuary Science. He said he already knew and I need to change.
My problem is I don't want to change. It feels great when I am provoked, in those conditions I feel like I can do anything, and I do do anything, very well. I exhibit an extraordinary amount of will power and enjoy a tremendous sense of accomplishment from my actions.
For example, once, I had to live with my grandparents for a month. While staying with them, I was taken to the idea of going for a morning jog in the local mountain everyday. My grandparents did not want me to return home well after 8am in the morning, so they forbid me from doing it. That was the provocation. So me, who can stay in bed until 10am easily everyday, woke up every dawn at 5am and went to work out at the mountain and came back home by 7am. My goal was to be able to run up the entire mountain before I leave, and it was achieved.
Another time, I decided I want to move to Chicago. The idea was tremendously exciting. So I went with no friends and no help. I found my own place to live and found a job really quickly once I got there and life was brimming with energy. It lasted for half a year, then I started staying home constantly and missing many opportunities that were offered to me and it went down hill drastically. In the end I moved back home.
Dad views these two instances as the same: action and wonderfulness as a result of outside stimulation that did last long. To me, the Chicago trip is, but the grandparent one is not. I did not accomplish what I wanted with moving to Chicago. However, even though I did not keep up going for a run at 5am every morning, that was not my plan to start with. My goal was to go to the mountain everyday for my month there and run all the way up one day, and I did achieve this goal. I had my slumps and doubts and I did not give up. It was a short term commitment, but it was finished successfully.
This makes me feel like I am capable of following my desires without it ruining me half way. I just don't know how to keep it up every time. Maybe I just need to break up my long term fantasies into short term goals that each can get me motivated. If it is short term, it will be easier to accomplish and less time to endure, just like the running example. I should find a stimulus for myself for 1 month at a time.
Dad also advises that I need to find something other than sudden bursts of arousal to keep myself going in life, because no one can provide those bursts constantly for me. As of now, I don't completely believe him. I think it is possible that I self provide these bursts. Is it really wrong and against all kinds of wisdom to live off of them? Couldn't it be just another way of life?
Hey! Thanks for stopping by!! The Motor is my hometown and where I grew up, so don't hesitate to ask me whatever you would like to know about Detroit.
ReplyDeleteYour story about the mountain was a little confusing. Why didn't your Grandparents want you on the mountain in the morning? Were you on vacation and they thought you should sleep in? Must be more to that story, I think.
Going to Chicago, I understand. But if you go to Detroit half-way, you will more than likely have a less-than good experience. Detroit is a very close knit town, always have been, even when it was closer to 2 million in population. It is a hard town, yes there is a lot of decay BUT Detroit loves people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and make their dreams happen. Don't go there half in and with a wandering eye. You better go with a committment to the city and the people. And it will return the love.
Be careful with who you love and don't get distracted by 'shiny things'. Get your degree on and then find your next adventure!! Thanks for reading and I will return the favor!! p.s. I may make reference to a 'Delta Girl', who was my college sweet heart in my blog, so don't think I am some internet stalker if I talk about a 'Delta'!!
L&R
Mark